The Aftermath
by DiNozzo's Girl
Summary: Tony DiNozzo is feeling alone and empty, not ready to say goodbye to Kate. But through the sadness and pain comes the feeling of acceptance.


Title: The Aftermath

Summary: Tony DiNozzo is feeling alone and empty, not ready to say goodbye to Kate. But through the sadness and pain comes the feeling of acceptance.

A/N: Ok, I hope stories like this haven't been done too much. This idea came to me and I liked it. I hope you like it too. Please R&R, depending on your responses I may do more on how the other characters are dealing with the death of Kate. Once again thanks go out to my beta Mishka, without her these stories would have quite bad punctuation. Get outta my head girl!! Love ya!!

Disclaimer: Unfortunately I do not own anything to do with NCIS, although Michael Weatherly is free to ring me anytime he likes, only he would be able tear me away from FanFic (Besides my boy Jared, of course). I also own nothing when it comes to the Hunters and Collectors, Dr Phil or Oprah. No really I don't even own this computer, but I do own this Nerd Rope I am about to eat.

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Tony sat at his desk, his feet placed on it, leaning back with his eyes closed. He absently played with his pen. 

Every time he closed his eyes he saw her face. Why her face was haunting him he couldn't understand.

He took a deep breath and sighed. He wasn't upset because her face was haunting him. He was upset at the thought that one day he would forget her laugh, her smile, her scent and then finally her face.

He internally shuddered at that thought. He wasn't ready to say goodbye let alone to forget Kate.

Tony opened his eyes and looked at his watch, it was ten pm. He shook his head and decided it was time to go home, due to the fact that he was last to leave.

He rose from his chair, his body feeling heavy and yet empty at the same time. As he walked past Kate's desk, he softly dragged the fingers of his right hand along it, he had turned to face her desk as he did.

"Night Kate." He whispered ever so slightly.

He knew she wasn't there and so she would not reply. Ever since Kate had gone, he had continued to say goodnight to her.

Tony entered the elevator and pushed the button to take him to the car park. Just as the doors were about to close completely, he caught a quick glimpse of her face through the two-inch gap of the doors.

He almost dived to stop the doors from closing, but it was in vain, it was too late.

"Oh Kate." He said as he dropped his head in sadness, but also in failure.

Tony DiNozzo was not a usually sad and vulnerable person, but since the tragic death of his partner and friend Special Agent Kate Todd, he had lost all feeling and faith in human kind.

Kate had been killed in the line of duty, right in front of him. She had just been shot in the chest but thankfully at the time, she was wearing a bulletproof vest. She had barely finished brushing the dirt off her clothes and making one final smart arse comment in the direction of Tony when she was shot in the head.

And just like that she was gone and nothing he could say or do would bring her back. He felt like he had failed her. Failed to be strong enough and worst of all he had failed to protect her.

Tony just wanted to go home to his apartment, grab a beer, turn the TV on and give his body some much needed sleep.

DiNozzo had hardly slept since it had happened. He couldn't allow himself for fear that once he drifted off he would dream, and if he dreamed he could relive nightmare that was the moment when his Kate was taken away from him.

He walked towards his car, absently searching for his keys. Upon finding them he had unlocked his car, climbed in tossing his backpack aside.

Taking another deep breath, he let it go at the same time as he placed his face in his hands. Almost on the verge of tears he rubbed his face vigorously hoping that would subside the inevitable tears.

Placing his hands on the steering wheel on front of him, he felt angry with himself, the world and this so called God of his who took his Kate away.

Anger took hold and he hit the steering wheel hard. Before he had realised what he'd done he had hit the steering wheel so often and with so much force that his knuckles were now red and bleeding slightly.

He placed his out stretched hands on the wheel inspecting the damage he had done to himself. They throbbed slightly, but it was nothing close to the pain he was feeling inside.

Quickly he wiped away a lonely tear that had not only dared to make an appearance, it had also started its solitary journey down the face of its owner.

Tony didn't know how to deal with his emotions, these feelings were new to him and he knew didn't like them. He had always been Tony DiNozzo: macho and borderline chauvinistic.

He jammed the key into the ignition and turned, his car starting without a care. As he drove out of the car park the radio was on low. Feeling the need for some music, he turned the knob up as the sound of the DJ filled his car.

The DJ was promoting something or another, and then finally when he was done he mentioned something about a request.

"And Kate from Washington D.C has made this request for her James Bond."

Then Hunters and Collectors' 'Throw your arms around me?' filled the car.

Tony rolled his eyes not ready to hear the song, as he knew how sad it was. But, something told him to listen as he always used to quote James Bond when he was around Kate.

**I will come for you at nighttinme  
I will raise you from your sleep  
I will kiss you in four places  
And go running along your street  
I'll squeeze the life out of you  
You will make me laugh and make me cry  
We will never forget it  
You will make me call your name  
And I'll shout it to the blue summer sky**

He had deemed what had happened to Kate a loss; he wasn't ready to call it a death. He had lost a partner and a friend, a loss that had caused his inner spark to dim slightly.

Abby had rested her head on his shoulder several times, to grieve. He couldn't show his emotions for fear of making her and everyone else feel even worse. He was tired of pretending he was fine, sick of being the rock. But he wasn't about to have a Dr. Phil moment or cry on Oprah's couch.

He shuddered at the thought of how Gibbs was handling this. He had never lost a field agent in the line of duty. So naturally Gibbs would be feeling really guilty and having a sense of failure, although he would never admit it and Tony would never let on that he knew.

Tuning out from his thoughts, he continued listened to the lyrics of the song.

**We may never meet again,  
so shed your skin and lets get started,  
and you will throw your arms around me,**

As Tony drove back to his apartment the only thing registering was the song; its words seem to rock him to the core. With the realisation that all he wanted to do was throw his arms around Kate and never let go.

**I dreamed of you at night time,  
And I watched you in your sleep,  
I met you in high places,  
I touched your head and touched your feet,  
So if you disappear out of view  
You know, I will never say goodbye,  
Though I try to forget it,**

You will make me call your name

And I'll shout it to the blue summer sky.

He pulled into his parking space. Without even realising it he sat there for ten minutes.

**We may never meet again  
So shed your skin and lets get started  
And you will throw your arms around me  
Yeah you will throw you arms around me**

Finally he grabbed all the strength he could manage and turned off the ignition, walked to his door, swinging his keys slowly.

Once in the doorway he threw his backpack down and made a beeline for the fridge. Upon opening it the need and want for a beer had left him completely.

He almost crawled towards his bedroom. Lying on his bed he didn't even bother removing his shoes. He placed his hands behind his head, and laid there, for what seemed like hours.

Finally Tony fell into an uncomfortable sleep.

He opened his eyes and found himself at his desk with his feet up on the table and his hands behind his head.

Kate sat on her desk; she smiled at him as she braced her hands on the table to boost herself off.

She slowly walked over around to Tony's desk and sat on it, just to the right of him.

She placed her right hand on his right shoulder, giving him a gentle smile as she cocked her head to the right.

"Kate, I can't handle seeing you only in my dreams." He said angry at his vulnerability.

"I know Tony," she said looking down at herself, "I am just glad I'm clothed." She said with a slight giggle, trying to lighten the mood.

"I know that you miss me Tony, but you must accept my death for my sake as well as your own." She whispered.

"I can't Kate, because I am just not ready to say goodbye," Tony said as he cleared his throat, "It's just I never got to tell you how I felt about you." He said.

""Tony, you mean-" Kate started but Tony cut her off.

"Kate, I love you." He said as he held her face in his hand. He was angry that he could have said that while she was still alive but he didn't.

"I'm not asking for you to forget me, I am asking you to accept that I have gone."

"But Kate-" This time Kate had cut him off.

She had genteelly grabbed his face in her hands and placed a soft kiss on his lips.

She rested her forehead on his, their noses next to one another, "Don't forget me Tony." She whispered. As she said this, a lonely tear fell down his face, tracing a familiar road. She pulled back just far enough to look at his face and into his eyes.

"I never could forget you, my naughty catholic school girl." He said as he smiled for the first time in what seemed like forever.

A smile grew across her face as her clothing changed to that of a catholic schoolgirl, she shook her head playfully.

As she wiped away Tony's tears she whispered, "I love you too Tony."

Tony opened his eyes to find himself lying in bed and noticed it was morning. He got ready for work as usual and drove to work grabbing coffee on the way.

He stepped out of the elevator and walked into the bullpen.

He put his backpack behind his desk and placed his coffee on the desk.

Without saying a word he walked over to McGee's desk and placed a coffee on the desk. McGee looked over at Gibbs, who just shot him a "Just say thank you look."

"Thank-you Tony" McGee said cautiously.

"Ahhmm." This was all that McGee was given in response.

Tony then walked over to Gibbs desk and also handed him a coffee. Gibbs simply nodded at him, which in Gibbs' way was a thank-you.

Tony sat back at his desk and rested is head against a sore right fist. He closed his eyes and took a deep breath he whispered in his head, "Goodbye Kate."

Opening his eyes he saw Kate, she walked over to him. She placed a gentle kiss on his forehead, "Thank-you Tony," She whispered, looking into his eyes, "Goodbye."

He closed his eyes again fighting back tears.

When he opened his eyes again he was greeted with someone else standing in front of him. Gibbs.

"McGee's getting the van, move it DiNozzo." Gibbs snapped.

"Right away Boss." Tony replied and grabbed his backpack.

As they walked to the elevator Gibbs patted Tony on the back, which was a far cry from the smack across the back of the head that he had not only expected, but had grown accustomed to.

When the elevator doors closed it was Gibbs who was the first to break the silence.

"It never stops DiNozzo." Gibbs said.

"What doesn't Boss?" Tony asked and wondered where this was going.

"The pain," Gibbs replied. "But if you have the pain, you'll never forget."

"I can live with the pain then." Tony said.

"Damn right you will." Gibbs said.

They had both cleared their throats as they exited the elevator and walked into a world filled with pain. But with pain comes the memory of Kate's smiling face, it was worth the pain.

And with the sadness and the pain came acceptance.


End file.
